This picture is the beginning of what an Ella meltdown looks like. We have learned if we can get her to her bed and turn on Goldie and Bear fast enough, it doesn’t get much worse. If not, there is loud screaming, followed by face grabbing and possible biting if she can’t calm herself down. “Real” tears are a sad sight because we don’t get those often, and know that means she has reached her ultimate breaking point.

It’s heartbreaking to watch but we know it’s not intentional. Ella gets frustrated and can’t properly tell us what is going on. We have become very good at picking up signs of a meltdown and getting in front of it, but it’s impossible to know what will trigger them on any given day.

The untimely nature of these meltdowns makes bringing Ella out a bit challenging. We understand that children have tantrums and meltdowns in public, but Ella’s meltdowns can be BAD and at times nothing but time can calm her down. While we honestly don’t give a crap what other people think, we don’t want to add unneeded stress to the situation by having to hear people’s obnoxious comments, or witness unnecessary judgmental staring. Ella is filled with such anxiety during these meltdowns and if I am the one with her, my stress levels go through the roof. My heart is just breaking and there is little I can do to help!

I have had some not so great days too. There have been times where I will hold Ella and just break down and cry. I cry for what is and I cry for what could have been. I cry for her daily struggles and I cry for her small victories. During this time, without fail, she turns to look at me, reaches her little hand up to my face, and with a big smile wipes my tears away. She has a heart of gold and knows that I am struggling too. It may sound silly but I need her support and reassurance as much as she needs mine.

On our better days, one of my favorite things to do is hold Ella in my arms and stare into her big blue eyes. I know she knows how much I love her and that I would do anything in this world to make her better. She recently has started giving kisses, and every time I tell her I love her (which is like fifty times a day) she will lean in and give me a kiss. There is no better feeling.

So, yes, some days aren’t so great but when they are, she lifts all of our spirits a little higher and makes our days a little bit brighter.