Yesterday was a crappy day! I went to bed feeling like I had been defeated. Each one of my kids wore me down and my mind and body were exhausted. Every part of me was screaming I was tired, only when I laid my head on the pillow I could not go to sleep.

I am not 100% sure I have truly processed this past week. I was going through the motions but wasn’t feeling the moments. I was so focused on my family and making sure they were all taken care of. I knew I was scared. Holy crap was I scared. There were just so many moving parts all week that there wasn’t time for much other than planning and being.

This past week was also the first time that I have been out of my house, or let anyone in. For three months we have been home, our family of five (plus Dani) without much else going on. For the first time, I got to see how covid is affecting the world, and lives of others. You read stories and hear things from other people, but to experience it first hand, makes it all that more real.

Steve and I were not both allowed to be with Ella at the same time. At first I wasn’t happy about that, but in the end it was a blessing. It meant that other than the swap travel time, my boys stayed at our house and someone was always here with them. Steve spent days at home and I got nights and mornings. We were so blessed to have friends and family fill in during the times that we needed to sleep and travel.

While I was at the hospital I got the opportunity to talk to some of the techs and nurses. At first we discussed Ella, but the conversation always somehow led to what the nurses and staff has been through the past three months. They wanted to talk about what they had experienced and I was more than happy to listen. They told me about the patients they had seen die and the joy they felt every time someone recovered. We discussed the heartache of patients being in the hospital alone and how attached these nurses became to them. They had lost some of their coworkers and I could see in their eyes the pain they were feeling.

One of the techs told me that during the first two months of covid, while the hospital was filled with as many seventy vented patients, twice the amount of babies were being born as usual. A nursery rhyme would play each time a baby entered the world and she said the staff would cry when they heard it. They looked so hard for the simple joys to keep them going, as more and more patients were dying. We discussed the new “normal” and how they are convinced there would be a second wave. The thought of that was terrifying to them. Emotionally they have little left to give.

As many of you know, I have always been one that complete strangers talk to, whether we are in the grocery line or sitting in the doctors office. I truly feel like everyone has a story to tell. I didn’t really think about it until after we were discharged but peds and mother/baby are the only two floors who are allowed visitors at the hospital. The nurses and staff members have only had each other to talk to, at work, for the longest time. Sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone who is a neutral party. I was that someone.

Talking to these woman was a nice distraction for me because had I not had them, my mind would have gone places it didn’t need to go. I thanked each and every one of them, every day, for the work they do, and expressed my gratitude to them for their service. They thanked me for thanking them and truthfully they were all so humble. They kept telling me they are just doing their job. They were all very touched by the recognition they have been getting and definitely appreciate it. My hat goes off to them.

Slowly but surely I am feeling what I should have been feeling all week, and in my own time will be in a better mindset. There are still too many missing pieces of the puzzle for me to fully process it all. It also doesn’t help that tomorrow Jack turns one. Where did this year go? He’s my last baby. I am not ready for him to be one. Be ready for sappy Jack post tomorrow. Stay away from the blog if you don’t want to read it. Lol. I am going to be a mess. This mama is on an emotional rollercoaster.

In Ella news, she definitely had a better day today. It wasn’t great but there were smiles and moments of joy. Way better than yesterday. There is still frustration, but I can’t say I blame her. She will get through this like the warrior that she is and will come out of it better than the rest of us. She is truly remarkable.

Keeping with the theme of goodness, today I was once again reminded of how kind people really are. I got a message this morning from someone who initially reached out to me after she read my blog. We have mutual friends and from day one she was all in on helping Ella any way she could. She has been keeping up to date with things, and is always sending such positive and encouraging messages my way. Today her family offered to buy my family a nice meal from a restaurant of our choice. Friday we will be eating like kings. To this special trio, I thank you.

As if that wasn’t enough for one day, mid- afternoon my doorbell rings. Standing there holding bags of goodies is Ella’s bus driver from last year, Miss June. June has been a constant in our lives since Ella started riding her bus. The two of them have a pretty special connection, as Ella’s face lights up the second she sees her. June has made such an effort to check in with us since Ella switched schools and we love when she comes by to visit. She is truly one of a kind. We had previously discussed how CJ has been having trouble processing all that’s been going on, and June wanted to help. She bought him a camera to take picture of things that make him happy, and there was a photo album to go with it. She told him to print all the pictures of happiness and put them in that album to always have when he was sad or upset. I had no idea she was coming or that she was doing that. June is always thinking of others and we are so lucky to have her. She got to see Ella, and what a reunion that was. She also brought goodies for the littles and food for us. We love you Miss June! I wish there was some way we could repay you for all of your kindness.

Tomorrow we celebrate our little man and hopefully at the same time, a better day for our princess. Much love to you all.

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