Do you ever just sit back and think, what led me to where I am today? What choices did I make that started me on this journey? What if one of them had been different?

We all live with regrets, and I am no exception. I can think of a few off the bat that are huge. There are others that didn’t greatly impact my life, but I still wish I had made a different choice.

I was recently asked by someone what I did for work? I told them being with my kiddos is my number one job, but a few years ago I “retired” from my degreed profession of teaching, after fourteen years. There was a definite look of confusion. I explained that things were getting complicated with Ella’s care and the original plan was to only take a year or two off and go back. Welllll, along came Jack, and plans changed. Believe it or not, this is a question I have gotten at least a half a dozen times in the last month. Not that I feel I owe anyone an explanation, but it’s not a secret either.

I must say, my heart goes out to all the teachers who are missing their class. I know firsthand what it’s like going from being in a classroom to being home, although I made that decision on my own so I was able to get some closure. I still miss the little things. Seeing my students each morning bursting at the seams to tell me the latest gossip from home, or to share with me something that happened over the weekend. Watching the lightbulb click when they finally “get” the concept I am teaching. There are so many little things to miss from each of them. I know that ache, and it sucks. I still miss it, two years after walking away.

The million dollar question then becomes, and is often a follow up from many people, do I regret it? My answer, much like my life, is complicated. The question really has to be broken down further to get the most honest answer. Do I regret leaving to be home with my children? Absolutely not. Do I regret leaving a job I loved? Yes, but I knew being there wasn’t fair to the kids. My mind was constantly someplace else. Ella was struggling in pre-school. I was sometimes getting multiple calls a day from the nurse or teacher about the most ridiculous things. It was becoming a big distraction.

I worked in a Catholic school. I had seen teachers/administration/staff supported and spirituality lifted in their time of need. I didn’t get the same treatment during my struggles with Ella. In fact, it felt quite the opposite. I guess you could say, in hindsight, I regret not leaving a year earlier than I did.

Do I regret the way it ended? Yes. Common sense tells you that you are most likely not going to like EVERYONE that you work with, just like you don’t always like everyone you meet. That was a fact for me. I don’t do fake very well, so to have to “pretend” to be someone I am not every day wasn’t really working for me. Plus, I sometimes have trouble biting my tongue. My exit was not a pretty one by any means (perhaps you will one day find the juicy details in a post). I did meet, and take away, some amazing friendships from my school and for that, I will never be sorry.

Despite occasionally missing the classroom, I know now, more than ever, we made the right decision for me to be home. I applaud all you working moms out there. I can’t imagine a world where I could do all I do now and still work full time. You ladies, and gentleman, are true superheroes in my book.

As for my Ella, she had a great day. Lots of smiles, tons of movement, and we spent a nice amount of time standing with assistance. Honestly, she was the least of my worries today. Steve is back at work, his first day since the rioting started. The thought of him being out there doesn’t give me the warm and fuzzies, but I continue to be so proud of his service and dedication to the job. Thankfully, for now, he will remain at his command.

Even with these regrets and blips along the way, I know I am right where I belong. Ella’s disability has taught us so much about the parents we need to be for her, and the boys. Every decision, big or small, has led us here. This blog has led me to you. Your support has meant the world to me. Today, and everyday, I feel blessed.

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