Ella was on a rollercoaster of emotions this morning. We have had moments like these before, where she has the highest of highs and lowest of lows. It never gets easier and each time we take this ride a little piece of my heart breaks.

It a happens so fast. One minute she is happy and laughing and the next she is screaming so loud, clenching her teeth, and grabbing whatever is in her reach, as hard as she can. The worst part though is the look in her eyes. It’s a sadness, as a parent, you never want to see in your child’s eyes. It’s a look of desperation, and I know she is looking to me to help her, only I don’t know how. I can’t imagine how she much be feeling. It’s so draining for both of us.

Today this ride lasted for about a half an hour. I held her, I rocked her, I sang to her, and then I finally brought her up to her room to lay in bed. I stayed with her as long as I could. Right as I was leaving, Steve walked in and she immediately smiled. I love that she loves her daddy so much but secretly, not such a secret anymore, it makes me a little jealous that daddy can turn her mood around so quickly and mommy can’t. The two of them have an unspoken language. One look and her mood changes for the better.

The morning was draining on us all and instead of sitting around all day, Steve and I decided to take a trip to Jersey with the boys. While we were there we stopped by to visit my college roommate Danielle and her family. SURPRISE! My mom offered to take Ella and spend some time with her so we could get in some quality time with CJ and Jack. It’s not often we get out of the house and go on adventures with just the two of them. We feel guilty not bringing Ella, but today she was tired, and we didn’t want to push her too far. After the breakdown this morning we had no idea what the rest of the day would look like. Thankfully she was great for my parents.

Up until this point we have been trying to keep our social visits to people we have seen already, or friends who we know have been keeping themselves quarantined as much as possible. In the next few weeks we are hoping to venture outside of that circle of people. Ella seems to be doing better and we can’t stay away from everyone forever. Slowly but surely we want to get the kids back to a normal routine and let them spend time with people we have all been missing.

The afternoon was just what the boys needed. CJ spent hours swimming with Danielle’s girls and we discovered Jack still isn’t loving the pool, but is getting used to being around new faces. Steve and Jon even got in the water and were playing with the kids. There was lots of laughing and happiness all around. I am so incredibly thankful that my kids get along so well with Danielle’s.

After swimming, the boys got to play inside, we ordered dinner, and Danielle and I went to DQ to get everyone some ice cream. As much as the boys needed this day, I did too. After three months of living in my pajamas and not leaving my house, it’s easy to wake up and not want to get dressed and leave. Despite my severe fatigue, getting out was absolutely necessary. I am hoping all the vitamin d I got today helps me sleep tonight.

Tomorrow we go and pick up CJ’s things from school. It’s all so bittersweet. I am anticipating it being an emotional day for both of us. I think once CJ gets his things, school being over will finally become real. I never used to love boring days, but right now, I could use one or two.

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