I hate public speaking, being the center of attention, and skunks. All three petrify me. It’s funny because for fourteen years all I did was speak in front of an audience of children, and got paid to do it. You would think it wouldn’t bother me so much.
Teaching doesn’t scare me. It came so naturally and I love children. We had so much fun together and it was typically a back and forth exchange. Hardly ever did I find myself not engaging them in what I was doing. I am certain that’s what made it so different. That and the fact that I wasn’t always standing in the same spot, and enjoyed the freedom to move around. I prepared my lessons, but never needed a script, and we fed off of each other. I miss that part of my life sometimes. It was awesome because most of the kids appreciated my sarcasm, on the most basic level, and my days were super fun.
Speaking in front of adults, from a podium, with all eyes on me, is almost like an out of body experience. I never did well in college with presentations and always hated back to school night. I would get up to talk and immediately get nervous. There would be sweat dripping down my back, and without fail, my face and ears would turn ninety eight shades of red. I kid you not, for those who have seen it, it’s not pretty. It’s not that I didn’t feel confident about the subject matter I was speaking on, it’s just that I hated all those judgmental eyes staring at me. Even when, despite knowing said fear, my bestie had me give a speech at her wedding, I was a mess. It was awful.
I have this running joke with my friends and family that every time I get uncomfortable in a situation, I go to my happy place. I am not sure when it started, but my happy place has officially become under the hood of a sweatshirt. If I have a hoodie on, it’s going right up the first sign of trouble. I use it now as my signal. If I could wear a hoodie every day I would. You never know when you will find yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Besides, it hides the redness that so quickly overtakes my face and ears.
Shockingly, I also don’t like to be the center of attention in large groups. Getting married was tough, as the entire day was about me (of course, Steve too). My bridal and baby shower were also very nerve wracking. I give my family and friends a lot of credit, as most respected my need to keep things low key. Steve keeps saying he’s planning a big 40th birthday party for me. I hope by big he means twenty people max. Honestly it’s the walking in and having people focused on me, that I hate. Once that’s all over I will be ready to party like a rockstar.
I am not sure where my fear of skunks came from, but it’s real. I can see and smell them from a mile away, and am petrified that one day I am going to round a corner and come face to face with one. Bam. Instant spray. It’s game over then. They might be a huge part of the reason I dislike the dark too. I always feel like something is lurking and don’t like that I can’t see anything.
Most times people have triggers that make them fear things. Like people who are afraid of dogs because they once got attacked by one, or people who hate to drive because they got into a bad accident. To my knowledge, there have been no such triggers I can remember. I am just a big weirdo when it comes to being afraid.
Conquering public speaking is on my bucket list. It’s right behind getting a tattoo and learning how to drive a boat. My hope is that one day I can get up in a crowded room, without a hood over my head, and give the greatest speech of my life. Until then, I will continue to write. It’s what I love doing and it makes me feel good.
I would love to hear about some of your crazy fears in my comments. I can’t be the only one who has them!
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