I think it’s good every once and awhile to take some time to really look at yourself, inside and out, and make any necessary changes. Moods change, people change, and we all can fall into a rut.

Last night as I was struggling to fall asleep, I did just that. I know the person I want to be, and the person my kids need me to be, only I am not quite feeling my emotions aligning with those beliefs. Somewhere in the last few months I have gone off course, and by acknowledging that, I am hoping I can find ways to bring myself back.

The other day when we were driving down to my sister in laws house, it was raining super hard and although Steve was doing a great job driving, I had a hard time seeing out of the windshield of the car. Going at high rates of speed, not being familiar with the roads, and have zero visibility always puts me on edge. CJ was in the backseat and just wouldn’t stop talking. Mommy, look at his hard it’s raining. Mommy, I can barely see the road. Mommy, it’s so loud. Already feeling tense, I turned around and snapped at him.

Not just a normal snap though. This one was next level. I definitely had a moment. It took CJ by such surprise that he literally jumped out of his seat. The second the words came out of my mouth, I regretted the level at which they did. Steve looked at me like I had lost my mind. For that moment, I very well might have. I turned around and immediately apologized to him. He accepted and told me that I yelled so loud, the people in the car next to us heard me. We all laughed and it definitely lightened the mood.

It made me realize that I have been carrying a lot on my shoulders these last few months. I am constantly worried about Ella’s health, and Steve’s job keeps me awake on those night the country’s climate is tense. On any given day I am making multiple calls to try and schedule appointments, talking to someone regarding Ella’s schooling, or dealing with basic life occurrences that pop up. I worry about the boys too, but for the most part they seem healthy and content. I do my best to schedule in down time for myself but the reality is that there are only so many hours in one day and Steve’s schedule is never guaranteed.

I have people telling me over and over that I need to take care of myself. Physical health wise, I am doing that. I have been following up with appointments and doing everything my doctors are telling me too. I need to make sure I am on top of all of that so I am ready and able for my surgery come September.

Mental health wise, I need to put some more effort into that. Worrying about Ella and Steve isn’t going to change anything about the way we live our lives. I can’t react to things that have not happened yet. I know that, and I am willing to make a conscience effort to deal with the here and now, and not the what ifs? I don’t want to say I am living in fear of what will happen because that’s not it at all. Fear is the wrong word. Right now, I can’t seem to put my finger on the right one.

I assure you all this is not a cry for help, and after I lost it on CJ, I returned to my normal fun loving self. That can’t happen again though. We all have things weighing down on us and we all deal with those things in a different way. For me, it’s a mindset and last night, mine changed. I am sure, on any given day, you will still find me scolding one or more of my children, but it won’t be so the car or neighbors next to me can hear.

Today I made a renewed promise to myself. More me time is a must!

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