I never thought I would be a special needs mom. I never thought my days would be filled with hours of battling. I never thought my rage for people and situations would be so frequent and escalate so quickly. I never thought I could be this strong or love this much.

I am also advocating and seeing change. I am educating and sharing Ella’s story. I am showing my boys the right way to treat everyone, and that kindness truly does matter. I am fighting battles I never even knew existed and I am killing it.

I have met incredible people I never anticipated meeting and seen things that I can’t unsee. I have gotten endless phone calls of distress and heard the words, “I thought she was going to die.” I have seen my child medivaced, intubated, and foaming at the mouth. I have watched her stop breathing and I have begged her to come back to me. I have watched the fear in my other children’s eyes and seen them sobbing because they didn’t know if their sister was going to live or die.

I have gone days without sleeping, both in my own home and in hospital rooms. I have worn the same clothes, not brushed my hair or showered, and foregone multiple meals for fear if I stepped away from my daughter for even a second I wouldn’t be there if something happened. I have carried an insane amount of guilt for things that are way beyond my control.

I have lost good friends and made new ones, who empathize and understand that my lifestyle is wildly differed than theirs. I have yelled at my boys for the silliest reasons because my mama heart was hurting so bad, and I didn’t know how to deal with those emotions. I have cried in my husbands arms countless times and taken my worst days out on him. I have been medicated because at that time feeling numb was better than the alternative.

I have come extremely close to hitting rock bottom and found my way back up. I have fallen and leaned on friends, family, and random strangers, to lift me. I have truly seen who is there in my darkest hour and appreciate my village so much. I have gone through the motions of days I can’t remember and suffer from medical PTSD (yes, this is a thing).

Seven years later, here I am. Still standing. I am a better mother. I am a better wife. I am a better person. I am living proof that when the world feels like it is crashing down on you, you can overcome. You may look and feel different than before. You may need to get to know your new self. But you are standing on your own and stronger than ever. The truth is, you will forever be changing and adapting. Never doubt the process and never ever feel like you are alone.

I am here and would love to be part of your village.

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