One of the questions I get asked most often from special needs moms is, were you scared to have a third baby after Ella was diagnosed? One of the questions I get asked from moms with neuro typical kiddos is, why did you have another child after Ella?

I know I owe not one person an answer to any questions regarding our decision to procreate. Few individuals we told were initially excited for my pregnancy. The look of shock and fear on their faces was disheartening. Judgement is a real thing and boy were we feeling it. The thing is, we stopped caring what people thought long before Jack existed.

Steve and I were told by one of Ella’s first neurologists that the chances of another child presenting the same as Ella was rare. Like winning the lotto rare. Every genetic marker came up normal (so far) and it is likely that whatever had happened, happened in utero. Lucky for us, by chance, Steve and I also had genetic testing done along with Ella. With that testing we found that we both showed no markers for any disorders. Knowing all this information this same neurologist, with nothing but transparency, said if she were us she would one hundred percent not have another child.

Only three babies was always part of my life plan. Steve and I talked and talked about having a third and agreed to us, it was worth it, good or bad. We tried for years and I could not get pregnant. At one of my yearly OBGYN visits I finally asked the doctor why. He could offer no solid reason but was willing to refer us to a fertility doctor if we truly wanted more children. Almost immediately that was a hard no for me. I didn’t want to put my body through all that when we had two amazing babies at home already. Before I could even fully come to terms with not having a third, I went in to urgent care with what I thought was a UTI, and walked out with a positive pregnancy test.

The spring before I got pregnant we had decided that I was going to take some time off of work and focus on Ella’s care. She was heading to new pre-k program and medically things were changing. The first year of pre-k had been such a struggle juggling work and her care. She was my priority and my heart just wasn’t in the classroom anymore. I didn’t feel supported and knew it would be a tough year if I stayed. The original plan was to take a year and go back. The following September I got pregnant with Jack and that plan changed.

Being pregnant in my late thirties was definitely different than my early thirties. The fatigue hit different and by bedtime my body was done. Around seven months I fractured my foot and needed a boot, which you can imagine was an amazing experience. Steve was still working the overnight, I had little help at home, and two children under the age of seven that needed moms constant attention. Looking back I don’t know how I did it. I was living in survival mode.

Jack’s birth story is one for books. He came into the world in a dramatic fashion weighing just under ten pounds. It was a natural birth and I unwillingly felt every minute of it. He had the largest head I had even seen but thankfully came just at the right time. CJ was moving up from kindergarten that year and I promised him I would be there. The day after we got home from the hospital, with a temp of almost 103 and a unknowing kidney infection brewing, I walked into that auditorium with his three day old brother and cried watching my first born shine.

Jack has been such a blessing. He has brought joy when sorrow was looming and has been a wonderful playmate for Ella. They have a connection that we will never truly understand but have loved watching develop. She absolutely adores both of her brothers, as each plays a very different role in her life. Jack is her entertainment and CJ is her bodyguard.

After three years I am finally ready to answer the questions asked of me so many years ago. Yes, I was scared to have a third baby but not because of Ella. I was scared to have a third baby because child birth is no joke. All three came with no drugs at the end and I swore after CJ I would never have another. Why did we have more then? Our hearts had more love to give and come to find out, I am a child birthing superstar.

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