Time. It’s a funny thing. With twenty-four hours in the day it somehow feels like there still should be more. I have always struggled with time management and recently started making lists so I would not be so overwhelmed and forget what I needed to get done. Well, that sort of backfired. At the end of the day I still have a list, only half of it’s filled with things that I couldn’t get done. There is something so gratifying about crossing things off though. Silver lining.

When we decided I would stay home and no longer work I thought it would afford me the time to catch up on things that I was not able to do when I was working. In year one of being home, I was pregnant, CJ and Ella had both started in new schools, and I was running in a million different directions. In year two, Jack was born so being home with a newborn all day was a full-time job. In year three, COVID. In year four I was being called almost daily regarding Ella at school, my dad was terminally ill and passed away, and Ella’s seizures began. Let’s not forget Steve’s accident at work which kept him home for six months with limited use of his hand. Welcome to year five, where nursing for Ella has been inconsistent and the Gods of sickness decided to take up permanent residence in my house. Since school has started there has MAYBE been one full week that all three of my children have been at school all day at the same time.

I am in no way asking anyone to pity me. I know that people have it much harder and I am fortunate enough to be able to stay at home and be available for my family when they need me. Most of the time I am happy to do it. What I realized though is that while my to-do list keeps getting longer and longer, the time I have for myself keeps getting shorter and shorter. For the last few weeks I have been having such a hard time sleeping. I get into bed around 10 pm, know for sure Ella is sleeping soundly, and still can’t fall asleep until after 2 am. My mind is racing thinking of all I still have to do because that is the first time I have had any time to think without distraction all day. So this week I decided that I need to take some time to decompress. Just me, myself, and I.

That could mean laying in Ella’s bed with her after she falls asleep, because being with a sleeping Ella is truly one of the most peaceful things in my world. Or it could mean sitting quietly in my dark bedroom going over in my head all the things I was able to accomplish, giving myself much deserved credit for what was done. In addition to the lists I have been making we also have a family calendar that I make sure I look at each night in case I missed something that was already on the schedule for the next day. I tried to be organized enough. Too much organization means more things on my to do list.

Since this is all very new to me, I have not set a specific amount of time for this mental decompression (an early start time is key to maximum your minutes) so it has been varying in length each night. I honestly think length will ultimately depend on the kind of day I had. Me time usually ends with dogs running into my room and jumping on my bed, a certain ten year old calling my name to share one final tidbit with me before he goes to sleep, a final snuggle session with Jack, or Steve taking a shower and moving about to get things ready for work the next morning. Those distractions have always been part of our nighttime routine and I look forward to them.

I am happy to report in just a weeks time my bedtime is no longer THAT late. I have been heading to bed closer to midnight and falling asleep much faster. With the new weighted blanket amazon will be delivering to my house soon, I am hoping to make that bedtime even earlier. Ella’s 6 am meds come too soon when bedtime is extended into the wee house of the morning and no one likes a cranky mommy when they get home from school.

I am grateful for my babies, my husband, my pets, and my mother all being here to make memories and enjoy life with. I just wish, for me, sometimes life wasn’t so overwhelming and exhausting. I wish that even if I had the time, which I definitely do not, I could go and sit on a beach, put my phone down, and enjoy the sunshine. Like REALLY enjoy the sunshine. There will always be one more phone call, one more medical deadline, one more paper to sign, one more invoice to submit, one more diaper to change, and one more fire to put out.

My wish for 2023 is to find some almost full-time help when the kids are home. Someone who can take some worry and stress off of my plate. Someone that can recognize that most of the time our life is chaos and embrace that. This mama needs not be afraid to step away for more me time. Time to do things to further fill my cup. It’s been good for my soul. I 10/10 recommend it for everyone.

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