Last year was our first Christmas without dad. CJ reminded me every day since Thanksgiving that year that dad wouldn’t be around, as if I would ever forget. There was not one Christmas in forty years that I hadn’t seen him. I was feeling it, so much more than CJ even knew. Between the hustle and bustle of the holiday season and moving mom in, I had plenty to distract me from dwelling on it.

This year though…ugh. Fewer people were checking in to see how I was holding up, and for me the sadness set in the moment the Thanksgiving leftovers were gone. It felt so much heavier this year. I wasn’t into shopping, I didn’t want to decorate, and for the first time in as long as I can remember there was no holiday music blaring in my car. It was as though the Grinch himself had taken over my body.

Christmas was my dad’s favorite holiday. His gifts were always so meaningful and when you opened them there was always a story to go with whatever it was. Opening gifts for the adults was always longer because we took the time to really appreciate everyone’s reaction. My dad would have been fine not getting one gift. The sheer act of giving was enough to fill his heart with joy. When I was still living at home, every Christmas we would pick a day to go shopping together, visit my grandmother at the cemetery, and wrap gifts. He always would tell me that spending time with us was his favorite part of the holiday season.

Our final Christmas with him was bittersweet. While no one came out and said it, we all knew it would be his last. It took all he had to find the energy to get out of bed to open gifts that morning. Even after he exhausted it all he still found more energy to leave the house and come over for dinner. He wanted us to have those memories and he wasn’t going to let his cancer stop him. We smiled and laughed and when dad left that night I cried so hard. I knew Christmas would never be the same again.

This year I had five friends lose a loved one before the holidays began. Not one of them knew that last year would be their last Christmas together. There was no elephant in the room or worry about making the day extra special. They carried on as if they would all be back together again this year. Only this year they are grieving and wondering, as I still do, how to bring that happiness back without one of the people you love most there to enjoy it with you.

I am a huge believer in signs. They don’t come often but when my dad sends them they come through loud and clear. Right after Thanksgiving CJ received one of the shirts he ordered from his fundraiser. Instead of saying brother, it said grandfather. We laughed about it but I truly felt that was dads way of telling me I got this, and that he would be there to lift me up if I needed it. Then yesterday, knowing today will be incredibly hard, I found a letter my dad wrote me the Christmas before he got sick. I had read it before and put it in a safe place. When I was putting some clothes away I came across it again at the bottom of my drawer, almost forgetting it even existed. He had left it at my house for me to read when we arrived home from our Disney trip. In that letter, he told me what an amazing mom I was and how proud he was of me. No one believed in me more than him.

Grief sucks. There are days when you are feeling great and other days when it is downright crippling. I share it all because it helps me but more importantly because I never want to forget all the amazing moments my dad and I had together. As hard as talking about him can be sometimes, forgetting him terrifies me even more.

So for all my friends, and strangers, who are spending their first Christmas with one less person at the table, I hope you come to find new traditions that helps keep your holiday spirit bright. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be sad. Feel all the things but know that no matter what, you are not alone!

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